When I first came across the five Buddhist ethical categories of speech in my reading, I decided to dig into them to see how they applied to me. These principles offer a thoughtful guide to ethical communication:

• True or False: Speak truthfully and avoid lies.
• Timely or Untimely: Ensure speech is appropriate for the situation.
• Gentle or Harsh: Use kind and considerate language.
• Beneficial or Harmful: Strive for speech that is helpful and constructive.
• Motivated by Loving-Kindness or Hate: Speak with compassion, avoiding malice.

These ideas seemed like a solid foundation, but I wondered—was this the full list? Was there more to ethical speech than what these five captured?

Ego-Centric Conversations: A Missing Category?

As I began exploring how these categories showed up in my own speech, I noticed something I hadn’t paid much attention to before: ego-centric or self-focused conversations.

Here’s an example: when I meet someone new, I tend to steer the conversation toward my own big life achievements. Whether it’s a personal achievement, a professional milestone, or anything that puts me in the spotlight. I always seem to sneak it into the discussion. Reflecting on this habit, I had to admit something uncomfortable—it wasn’t just a natural tendency to share. Subconsciously, I was doing it to impress others, to show my superiority, or to establish some kind of unspoken hierarchy.

It wasn’t malicious, but it was self-serving. At times, this kind of speech might help build rapport or set the tone for sharing. But often, it risks turning into a monologue, where the other person’s input gets sidelined. Over time, I realized that ego-centric speech can subtly undermine connection because it prioritizes “what I want to say” over “what the conversation needs.”

Naturally, I started asking myself: does this fit into the original five categories? At first glance, it seemed like it might—but only if you stretched the definitions quite a bit. It felt like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Ego-centric speech isn’t necessarily false, untimely, harsh, or hateful. It might even be beneficial in some contexts, like storytelling or sharing advice. But often, it misses the mark of compassion or inclusivity. It didn’t fit comfortably into any one category, and that got me thinking: should it have its own place in the framework?

Examining Our Motivations for Speech

This realization led me to a larger question: how often do we really examine the way we speak to others and, more importantly, why we speak the way we do? Speech is so automatic that we rarely pause to consider our motivations. Are we speaking to connect, to help, or simply to be heard? Are we sharing for mutual benefit, or just for validation?

Ego-centric speech is a perfect example. It’s not necessarily bad to talk about yourself—sometimes it’s how we connect with others. But when it dominates a conversation, it can push others away, derail meaningful dialogue, or prevent a deeper exchange of ideas. Spending time reflecting on these tendencies can help us move toward more intentional and thoughtful communication.

Looking for Other Models of Ethical Speech

Curious to see if other traditions or disciplines addressed ethical speech in similar ways, I started looking for additional frameworks. Surprisingly, I didn’t find much. While there are models for communication styles and techniques, few specifically focus on the ethics of speech.

In religion, there are some overlaps:

• Christianity encourages truthful, kind, and uplifting speech. Ephesians 4:29 advises, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.”
• Islam places a strong emphasis on honesty and kindness, discouraging gossip and idle talk as mentioned in the Quran.
• Hinduism incorporates the principles of Satya (truth) and Ahimsa (non-violence) into speech, encouraging words that are truthful and non-harmful.
• Judaism teaches the concept of Lashon Hara—avoiding harmful speech about others, even if it’s true.

Psychology, on the other hand, focuses more on the impact of speech rather than its ethical foundations. For example, John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—offers a practical framework for avoiding destructive communication, but it doesn’t delve into motivations or ethics.

Note to self (and my ego): No, I didn’t spend 20 hours poring over psychology journals and religious texts. I asked ChatGPT, fact-checked the highlights, and polished it up. But let’s face it, my ego can’t resist making it sound like I put in the work of a seasoned scholar!

Expanding the Framework: New Categories of Ethical Speech

The lack of comprehensive models made me wonder: what if we added to the Buddhist framework? What other dimensions of ethical speech might be worth exploring? Here are some ideas I’ve been considering:

1. Self-Focused or Others-Focused

This was the most obvious addition. Ethical communication isn’t just about avoiding harm; it’s also about ensuring that our speech considers others, not just ourselves. Overly self-focused speech can feel alienating, even if it’s not overtly harmful. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and only talking about yourself—you’re present, but are you really engaging?

2. Empowering or Disempowering

Do our words uplift others or diminish them? Speech that empowers recognizes the dignity and autonomy of the listener, whereas disempowering speech can undermine confidence or create dependency.

3. Inclusive or Exclusive

Do we use language that includes and connects, or do we inadvertently alienate others? Inclusive speech actively welcomes diverse perspectives and avoids creating divisions.

4. Accountable or Irresponsible

Do we take responsibility for the impact of our words? Ethical speech involves owning up to mistakes and being willing to amend harm caused by our communication.

5. Intentional or Idle

Are we speaking with purpose, or are we engaging in idle chatter? While idle talk isn’t inherently bad, thoughtless or gossip-driven speech can waste time and lead to misunderstandings.

Why This Matters

Ethical speech isn’t just about avoiding harm—it’s about using our words to create something positive. By reflecting on how we communicate and exploring additional dimensions of ethical speech, we can navigate modern conversations with more intention and care.

For me, recognizing how often I slip into ego-centric speech has been an eye-opener. It’s not about beating myself up over it, but about noticing the patterns and making small adjustments. Conversations have become more balanced and enjoyable when I focus on listening rather than steering. When I catch myself steering toward a personal story, I pause and ask myself: “Is this adding value to the conversation or just to my ego?”

Final Thoughts

The five Buddhist categories of speech provide a thoughtful framework for ethical communication, but they are not the end of the story. By examining how we talk and why, we can uncover other dimensions that matter just as much. Whether it’s being inclusive, empowering, or self-aware, these additions can help us approach conversations with greater care and respect.

At the heart of it all, ethical speech is about connection. It’s about recognizing that our words have power and that with that power comes responsibility. Maybe it’s time we all took a closer look at how we use it.